Funny thoughts

What to do, very new.

In my mind I know I soak in everything everyone is saying to me when it comes to advice. The good thing is I know to take it, but the problem comes when face to face with the one thing you want the most, keeping all your walls up and in place. It sounds like I have a serious case of weakness, and to be honest I do, but only when it comes to certain things.

As a woman I’ve always been pretty lucky to have both sides of views presented to me. The female side, and then the male side. Now my biggest problem every now and then is making sure I am thinking with the correct brain. My mother’s goal was to raise a smart independent woman who can stand on her own two feet and have a successful career. I may have fallen short on a few of those things, but my independent spirit has helped me push through. However, with my father he wanted to make sure that I had a brain on me, especially when it came to men. He knew I was smart, not just book smart, but a little bit street smart as well. He wanted me to make sure I knew what was going on in a man’s brain at any given time. Please understand that every now and then I am still surprised by it because just like everything in life, the male brain does not come with instructions.

I, as a woman is very simple. I do love complex things only because that way my brain stays sharp and focused. I love the idea of love, but since I’ve been burned by it so much in the past I have a tendency to not trust it or even believe that it is possible for someone to like me let alone love me. Crazy I know, but it is true. In my mind I always try to look at relationships like a guy, the crap part is the female brain in me sneaks up, grabs on and gets all mushy when he does something sweet. The only time I get like that is when he is considerate of me, thinks of something I didn’t even think of, or laughs (at me or with me, I’m good with either one). I love relationships that are simple, not complicated. I’ve had too many of those that end up in total disaster and I just give up.

I’ve always wondered when it comes to a relationship, how do you start over? Do you pick up where you left off or do you start new? That is if you give that person a second chance, I mean people make mistakes, but how it is dealt with makes all the difference in the world. I guess this is where the chick brain in me wants to really know. I’ve never been in this situation before in my life so it is all new to me. The advice I’ve been getting is good solid advice, and to be honest I know I will use it. “If he want’s you, he’d come to you.” so in my mind I’m thinking, “Come and get me.” (Laugh, it’s funny) its that simple. Now, the key part to all of this is TALKING! That is something that has to be done, no ways around it especially if both sides have a pure understanding of what kind of relationship they are wanting. Basically, “Lay all the cards out on the table. If it matches great, if it doesn’t, well there is the door. Nice knowing you.” That can have a double meaning with a lot of people, for me I look at it as: “Let’s get a basic understanding that I want something simple, no complications, but fun at the same time. If you can do that then we can be cool, but don’t expect it to be super easy the second time around. You gotta work for it, and I will let you know how long you will need to.” it’s funny when you think about it.

My mind wonders with the idea of how does this all get started? Does the person who is eager to lay it out there make the first move, or the other person. Now if you look at how your relationship started it usually is the guy who makes the first move, anytime I’ve tried I’ve failed miserably, so now I’m just wondering if I should own it and grab it all and take my chance to set the ground rules for how this is all supposed to go? Does that make me the dude? (Laughing) God I hope not, I’m so sick of being the “guy” in my relationships, for once I’d really love to be the woman, treated and respected like one. Not saying that it’s never happened, but on my past relationship scale I’m up to two strikes and one ball, not exactly the best batting average there.

I’d really like to know because as far as I am concerned with where my life is going I just want to be with someone. I’m tired of being alone, now please do not misunderstand me, I enjoy my own space and my own place. I don’t want someone here 24/7 it has taken me a long time to where my space is my own, just Jennifer’s no one else’s. I just want to go out to dinner with someone, laugh, have drinks, go do things, experience new stuff, have FUN! What is wrong with that? I’m still me, you are still you, but without all that extra stress. Be happy, have fun.

There were small moments in my life where I thought, “I can’t wait to be married.” but then reality always set in, in some form or another. Knowing that the relationship was bad because Cheating and drug use is where I draw the lines, but eventually truth of incompatibility came forward when I could never see it before. Now those were some serious wake up calls for me. Once I realized it the relationship ended and I went on my way and never looked back, it was the best feeling in the world. Now at my age (I realize that I’m not that old) but I get looked at as some “Spinster” who deserves a ton of Cat pictures and video’s on her Facebook, trust me I don’t….I digress… Anyway now with the way my life is and some levels of total uncertainty I’m not ready for that “forever” feeling. I have some marks against me, 1) I can’t have kids, so no continued Pantoja/whatever bloodline there. 2) My Church and family are always around. 3) I’m a total mix of homebody and social bug. I love the idea of being home eating dinner, letting you watch T.V. while I am reading a book or doing some editing to my novel, and just sitting in silence, but at times I love being with people and talking to them, getting to know them and living life. I’m not a fan of being tied down to a certain way of life, especially when my life was decided for me the day I was born. That did include the agreement that I was supposed to be married to someone by the age of 18 because my parents were best-friends to his parents and they wanted to combine the families. Um, nope I’m good. Bye Felicia! Thank God the two of us hated each other enough to not even want to look at each other and basically told our parents off. My whole life was decided for me from the start. I knew my place, I knew my manners, I knew who were powerful and who wasn’t. It was something that was just instilled in me. Now I’m loving the way my life is, messed up, complicated, but I am free to be ME. It is the best feeling in the world and to be honest I don’t want to mess that up anymore.

I know people deserve second chances, however where do you draw the line? Is there one? Please tell me because I have no idea. I look at things so differently than others and I hope that I can open people’s minds to see things as they have never seen before, but there has to be level of willingness to do it. I will never force someone into something they don’t want, especially men, either you want me or you don’t there is no in between, there is no here one day gone the next. I do not bend that way. One night stands, did them in my twenties, not a fan of them in my mid to late thirties. Where does the idea of second changes or more come from? What are the guidelines? I am sure I will fail miserably with all of this, but I’d love to try one day.

I am seeking help and good solid advice on this one.