Funny thoughts

Letting Go for Good

How does one let go of someone? How do you know when it’s right to do that? Does your heart break magnify a million times more than it originally did when it was broken?

What does one do when it shows that it really is time to let someone go? I’d really love to get some inside information on this. For me dealing with this is not the easiest in the world. You pray so much for that one person, praying they would grow up, come to their sense and realize that you were good for them. Knowing that you would totally forgive everything they have ever done to hurt you to just start over and give it a try again. Knowing it will not be perfect, that there will be a level of mistrust and a mountain of questions that need to be answered. Yet with all of that you are still willing to accept them for who they are completely.

It hurts my heart to say this, but when you realize there are moments that come your way, words that are expressed and the lack of enthusiasm from the other person to even want to try, that is when you know in your heart that it’s time to really move on. Try to be friends, that is the hardest test one will ever have to go through. You opened your heart and body to someone hoping that they will handle you with care just as you did for them, yet it still wasn’t enough for them to even want to try.  How does one do that? Be friends with someone who knows what you look like when you wake up in the morning, how you sound in your sleep, the way your lips taste, and all levels of total intimacy. You do the best you can to not look at your phone anymore, view past photos, and not look at the box that is hiding in your closet that holds what was supposed to be a Valentine’s Day surprise, a few rose petals, and every single photo you’ve printed off. The box has a name, it’s the first one of it’s kind on my life. None of my past relationships ever had a box of happy memories inside of them. All those boxes were thrown away or burned.

At this point in my life the idea of ever opening myself up to another person makes me sick to my stomach. My heart breaks because it knows the walls will need to go back up, picture a brick wall with some heavy duty cement and a metal door that has a serious security lock of combination, hand print identification, retinal scanner and more to just even attempt to go through. I don’t think I could ever do this again. I thought I was done eight years ago when my last relationship ended. I had accepted that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life. No one to care for, love, or talk to. My life was set, but it all crumbled, more like I crumbled. Looking back now I set myself up for falling for someone by saying, “Hey look at me! I’m single, come and get it.” I want to slap myself for ever thinking that I could truly be happy.

I don’t take any moment away or for granted, but looking back hurts too much. So naturally I delete text messages, just not the phone number. It’s hard for me to do that still. My mind says do it, but my heart tells me to still have hope. I can never make heads or tails of anything because honestly the Bible is right, our hearts are “wicked, untrustworthy” and so much more.

For a brief moment I thought I was ready to date, or just get out there, but I soon realized that it isn’t even worth it. I can say I am honestly done with all of it. No more. Shop is officially closed. Any hope I had for things to change, for a possible 2nd chance is done. If it were to ever happen now, I think there will need to be an impact made to me that would shake me out of my mental existence of relationship frustration. I’ve gotten to the point where I just can’t take it anymore. I have to live life for me, lucky I know what makes me happy, and know exactly who I am, but now I need to put that box with all those things in it somewhere far far away where when I go to my closet it isn’t staring at me whispering to me, “Open me, you know you want to.” it needs to be locked away where none of it can see the light of day. Maybe while I am at it I will throw my heart in there as well (sometimes I wish I could do that, I mean they do it on “Once Upon A Time” ripping one’s heart out and locking it away). Then again I do have a fireplace in my apartment I could always toss my heart in there, yet still keep the box. Makes no sense at all, right?

How do you start over? Do you even want to? I realize now why some men go from woman to woman. They don’t want to commit. They love the idea of the chase, and that you were the right selection at the right time, or maybe the idea of you and more popped into their heads and thought, “Let me play around with this one.” I hate to think that people are like that, but I do know some. Women are just as bad when it comes to stringing guys along, playing with their emotions and more. It’s a sick kind of game that one plays. How do you ladies sleep? Don’t you realize that you make it just as difficult for the rest of us? Find a player just like you and stick with him, then again neither of you will ever truly trust one another because you know the game so well, that cheating will be inevitable, its that horrible wheel of life that turns and turns no matter what. Thanks a lot people! Thank you players who can’t seem to keep their signals correct, or be vocal about what you are looking for in life.

Any advise on how to let go? How to move on? What does one do with their heart when it cries from the pain, loss and more? I’m not great at hiding my emotions or feelings. I lay them out there, if someone doesn’t know how to handle it then I’m not sure what to say to them.