Emptiness

Ever wonder what classifies as “Emptiness” for many it comes in different forms. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. The problem is as we try to explain why we feel empty in certain spaces of our lives people want to take it apart and tell you their truths to fit your life. Your life and their lives have nothing to do with one another, each path is different.

At times I have those spouts of Emptiness, mine is a different. I try to explain that my emptiness is from my own personal space, my own little world, but when I’m told that I should have a baby to fill that, to me that isn’t filling any level of emptiness in my heart. I don’t want children, never have. Kids were never a goal of mine and unfortunately when you live in the Midwest for some reason not having kids is seen as some form of blasphemy against God’s great design. Trust me, my decision to not have any kids does not mess up anything of God’s great design because honestly there are others out there who can handle that business.

What does emptiness mean to you? For me it is that sense of being alone at times. I look around at my life it looks great on the outside. I mean I have my own car, my own apartment, a decent job, great friends, and lots of great people around, but when one takes their time to peel things back one layer at a time they start to see that my life has moments of happiness, and moments of emptiness. My level of emptiness comes from the fact that at times I feel totally alone, I know I will not be alone forever because when I depart this world I will be enjoying my afterlife with so much love, light and happiness that I can’t even imagine. It actually pulls on my heart to think about all of that.

When one feels alone in this world they crave happiness, it does come in certain forms. The love of a companion, family, joy of their things, pets, really whatever it is. I have found that my happiness does stem from many things, 1) God, 2) family, 3) friends, 4) things in my life. The one thing I don’t mention is a companion. I’ve never been lucky in this area, that is where some, a small portion of my emptiness comes from. I know that is a bad way to look at things, but people even feel emptiness when they are with someone. My view on this is, my life has come together far better than I could have ever imagined, especially after all the mistakes I’ve made and so much more, but I struggle in this one area. Don’t really know why, but it is an issue.

I dislike putting value in the concept of a companion to make me “whole” but when you take it apart like I am about to for you then you will see: a companion is someone who is there, has a smile for you, loves seeing you at anytime of the day. Arms wide open to just hold you. Communication, talking about your day or listening about his day. It really isn’t that complicated, keep relationships simple, never make them more than what they are. If you and your partner get to a certain point in your relationship then yes, elevate them in your heart, but not too high, keep them 2nd in your heart and in your life. If someone can’t understand that then there will be problems.

I don’t know if things will ever workout for me in that aspect. I pray for it, I pray for many things. I just can’t lose hope in love or ever having it. The love of another person is what we crave, we need that because it makes us feel like we are not alone. The problem is when someone has something real they never know what to do with it, and at times end up ruining it. Never a good idea, just lean on your partner, look to them for help while you both pray together for God to give you the answers, remember it is all on his time never your’s and to be honest that is the area I struggle most with. The waiting for God to answer my prayers. I know we are not meant to walk this world alone, but at times we are meant to.

In regards to emptiness we all have those moments of wishing we could figure out what it could be, what could make us feel whole, but in the end we are human and our hearts are wicked, they always lead us towards a path that at times can not be trusted. I don’t know about you, but I know deep down in my heart it has lead me astray so many times. I’ve only started to learn to trust it, but it takes caution as I move forward.

How do you define “emptiness” in your life? How do you fill it or does it ever feel like it is full? I know this is something I think about and am working on to better myself. It does depend on who I lean on in my life. I’ve gotten super picky about who I let in now, because I don’t know their intent. Part of me has allowed the walls to come down somewhat, but not all the way.

My end goal for this life is so many things. I would love to be a published author. Still work on things on the side, but maybe one day have a house. I always leave the idea of relationship on the back burner because honestly I don’t like the idea of jinxing myself with looking. I’m so tired of looking for someone. I love that old saying, “When you are not looking someone will enter.” that has always been my philosophy and in the past it has always worked out for me, the relationships don’t last, but maybe I’m letting the wrong type of person enter into my life, that is where I need to ask for protection in that sense as well. That is definitely a good idea. A fresh new way of looking at where I have gone wrong. Nothing like self-reflection.

Try to figure out your Emptiness, what is it? How do you fix it? Will you set limitation on yourself to fill it and not crave more? I know I will need to do that, so far so good, but I still have my faults.