In Webster’s Dictionary, the word Alone is described as: separated from others, or even exclusive of anyone or anything. Good thing with this word that since it is an adjective, it can be used in different ways, but still give you the same end result and meaning. Unfortunately the word Lonely comes with many more descriptions: being without company, cut off from others, not frequented by human beings (that one is my favorite description of all) as if Webster’s Dictionary could really define feelings mixed in with any of those words.
Alone vs. Lonely are completely different in ever possible way. In life you can feel alone because you just want to be all by yourself and away from crowds of people or really just love the silence of your space. However, when the word lonely comes into play that brings on a whole new meaning. Lonely is that space in your heart and head where one doesn’t really want to be. Yes, you have lots of great friends, wonderful connections, and all that to keep you “company” but in the end when all of that fades away what is the one thing everyone needs. A companion, that one little word can make things change. When you close yourself off to the world as a way of protection you don’t really feel it, but the second you open yourself up and it falls apart again, that is when it hits the hardest.
I have always known what its like to be alone, yes I grew up with lots of family (I do mean A LOT of family) always coming in and out of our house, never a dull moment with my mother’s side of the family, and at times my father’s side. As you get older the word alone takes on that feeling of being alone in your room because you have homework to do, read a book, or talk to a boy on the phone. The funny thing is, no matter how large my family is, there are times when I felt totally alone, not because I wasn’t around people I love, it was just because there wasn’t anyone I could talk to about things. The cousins I grew up with are all married, divorced, remarried, divorced and kids. I am one out of two in my family who have never been married and no kids to even have a “normal” conversation. The funny part is when they say, “I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I’d follow your lead.” I just smile and nod my head, “Sure.” little do they know how much I hate being alone, I’d rather have someone with me to experience this crazy messed up existence we call life. Maybe my issues can be considered lessons for them.
The worst word or even feeling is: Lonely, no middle to late thirties woman wants to really experience it, because when you do it takes on a whole new meaning. Allow me to explain: I started dating my first major boyfriend when I was 19 years old, I didn’t consider much when I was with him, but to me it was nice to be with someone. Well that all ended when I found out that he cheated on me. Years passed, I worked went to school, focused on having somewhat of a life. Dating is not my thing and I totally hate it, but I did it. I never really thought about “Lonely” then. Getting closer to my late twenties I met my second major boyfriend, talk about F’d up on major ways. I should have avoided that one like the plague, but we live and learn. He was nice at the beginning, steady job, I found it odd that I would pay for things he wanted to do at times, but I just thought “Okay, wonder what that is all about.” but we stayed together. He didn’t like the fact that I love sports more than he did, didn’t like me reading, any of my writing, wasn’t supportive about anything at all. He was just happy that I was working two jobs and going to school getting my paychecks and my financial aid money to pay for every little thing we had. I guess you can say I thank God everyday that I didn’t marry the guy. We were supposed to, but after four years you just need to walk away and not look back.
When all of that went down, it give me the space I needed of being alone and figuring myself out over the span of eight years, I realized that I deserve so much more. I mean much more and I eventually found it. That one was different, special, and at times pretty amazing. I didn’t feel odd, he never once made me think anything was wrong with me because of my writing, reading or ever made me feel like I was a mental case for being a sports nut. I know he would never believe me, but he definitely raised the bar when it comes to men. Will I ever meet another one like my ex? Probably not, but I try so hard to not dwell on it. At times it gets to be difficult because in that space that I kept closed off from guys in general came crashing down with him because I knew this was going to be different. It is hard to find something to fill that space with when at times you dream about him, pray for him, or even wish that he would get his head out of his ass and come knocking on your door! but guys don’t think like that, they never have and they never will. Even if you put it in some playbook that they can use to guide them in life. Why do men have issues communicating when face to face with a woman? Now when it comes to communicating with my boobs that topic of conversation never fails. I don’t find it offensive, just funny because I know better. Do I hold it against every single man who looks at my boobs instead of my face? Nope, they are there, I can’t do anything about them, but looking at my face and focusing on the conversation would be nice every now and then.
I don’t have the cure for being alone or even being lonely, I wish I did. I’d be a Billionaire! It takes time when you have the one good, stable relationship you always hoped for, but thought it could never happen for you. It is part of that healing process they tell you about. The crap part about it is there isn’t a date that will tell you, “Hey on May 15th, you will start to feel normal, no more loneliness ever again.” if that was possible I’d know how to prepare myself going forward in the future. It would be the best feeling ever! Until then I just have to deal with the fact that no matter what I try, however I do the best I can to fill that void of emptiness in my heart because I still misses him and often wonder if he even misses me, the realization that this crap takes time. I can read all kinds of new books, binge watch many different shows, but in the end it is all the same. I come home alone to a overweight fat cat who loves to lay in my laundry basket, or chew on my shower curtain, and or my favorite lay in the middle of the bathroom for no reason at all. No lights on, no one to say, “Hi honey I’m home.” to greet with a kiss. That is when you realize being alone at times isn’t that bad, but being lonely is worse. You look for ways to fill your time, but it is still there.
What can one do to get over being alone vs. loneliness? Ice Cream and wine really isn’t always the best option on a daily basis, but it helps every now and then.